Till Avada Kedavra Do Us Part
by Professor Cassandra
Summary: Ivana D. Vorce, the most esteemed marriage counselor in London, is about to receive a visit from the wizarding world's most dysfunctional couple: Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. What could go wrong?


All was quiet in the waiting room of the esteemed marriage counselor, Dr. I. D. Vorce, save for the ticking clock on the wall and the numerous couples screaming their lungs out at each other.

Suddenly, the door opened, breaking the silence (because compared to the average day in this particular office, it was indeed silent), and a dark looking couple walked in.

The man, who seemed a bit intimidated, signed his and his wife's names on the secretary's clipboard. His wife, who couldn't have looked less pleased to be there, found a vacant seat and sat down. Her husband soon joined her.

"Dang it, Rodolphus," said the woman, apparently annoyed, "Why do you keep dragging me here?"

"Um, well," replied the man, looking down at the floor and fidgeting with his hands, "I just think…our marriage could use a little help, that's all…"

"Nonsense! Besides, what if Lord Sexymort needs me while we're away?"

"I really wish you wouldn't call him that, Bella…"

"And I wish you'd get mauled by an angry werewolf, but that's not likely either."

After a few moments of awkward silence, Rodolphus decided to fake a yawn in order to put his arm around his wife. She responded by also yawning, then jabbing him hard in the eye with her wand. Needless to say, he retracted his arm rather quickly.

"You know," he said, slightly irritated, "I _am_ your husband!"

"You know," she replied in a mocking tone while brandishing her wand in his direction, "You _do_ have another eye."

The couple remained silent until the door to the doctor's office opened. A secretary walked out, studying her clipboard.

"OK," she said quietly to herself, "Let's see who's next…" She looked around the waiting room, then back at her list. "Oh crap, not them again…"

She then attempted to fake a smile and spoke up cheerily, "All righty then, Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, the doctor will see you now!"

The dark looking couple stood up and followed the secretary into the office. The door wasn't very wide, so Bellatrix shoved her husband out of the way in order to walk through first. They sat down on an ivory colored couch next to a matching armchair where the therapist was sitting. Her hair was shortly cropped and a platinum blond. Her clothes were formal and fashionable, and they suited her trim, youthful figure. She was glancing down at a clipboard through expensive looking frameless glasses when the couple walked in. The office was elegantly furnished, but it had many obvious signs of recent repairs.

"Good morning, Rodolphus, Bellatrix…" said the doctor.

"Hello, Dr. Vorce," replied Rodolphus.

"Please, call me Ivana."

"Um…all right."

"This isn't fair!" said Bellatrix, furious and ready to murder someone, "I could be with my Voldykins right now!"

"I see," said Ivana, turning to Rodolphus, "Rodolphus, how does that statement make you feel?"

Rodolphus hesitated, glanced at Bellatrix, and then turned back to Ivana. "Can this wait until she's not furious and ready to murder someone?"

Ivana also glanced at Bellatrix, who was giving her a death stare. "Yes, perhaps that would be a good idea… Why don't we start with some ink blots? Bellatrix, you can go first. Just look at each picture I show you and tell me what you see." She held up the first picture.

"I see Voldemort," Bellatrix said simply.

Ivana held up another.

"Duh, Voldemort!" Bellatrix said, as if it should have been obvious to anyone.

Ivana continued to show Bellatrix picture after picture, and each time received a similar response.

"Voldypoo."

"Voldypoo again."

"The Dark Stud Muffin himself!"

"Now he's laughing and talking on a cell phone. What a perfect smile!"

"Oooooh, Voldy is _working_ those jeans!"

The doctor had had enough. "All right, I think it's Rodolphus's turn now." She held up an ink blot for him to see.

Rodolphus studied the picture carefully. "I see a lonely husband who just needs attention."

"Really?" interrupted Bellatrix, "Because I see Voldy in spandex."

Ivana closed her eyes and took in a deep, cleansing breath. "OK," she said, as calmly as possible, "I think we're done with the ink blots for now."

Bellatrix looked disappointed. "But this was really getting good-,"

"I don't care! …I mean, let's just talk, shall we? Why did you two get married in the first place?"

Rodolphus opened his mouth to speak, but was too slow for Bellatrix, who promptly replied, "My family never hesitated to tell me-and they were very quiet people-that I needed to marry a pureblood, so I found…," She glanced at Rodolphus and continued, with as much disgust in her tone as possible, "this guy… and told him to marry me."

Ivana looked perplexed. "You _told_ him?"

"Under threat of death," said Rodolphus dreamily, as if reminiscing, "It was quite romantic, really. I still remember when she shoved the ring on my finger. It was 3 sizes too small, you know. It wasn't long until we were saying, 'I do'."

"Actually," corrected Bellatrix, "If I recall, you said, 'I do', and I said 'Just get to the blasted end, preacher man, or I'll kill you!' Remember?"

"Yes…I remember."

"All right, so…," said Ivana, "After the wedding…something went wrong?"

"No," replied Bellatrix, "Something went right! I fell in love with Lord Voldemort!"

"All right, I think I can see what's going on here," said Ivana, "Bellatrix, you have no problem admitting you want no part in this relationship, and Rodolphus, you are in complete denial. Now, I'm not saying this marriage can't work out, but just out of curiosity, why have you not divorced yet?"

"The Dark Lord won't allow it," said Bellatrix, "and I don't understand why. It's like he isn't even in love with me!"

"Have you ever considered that maybe he really isn't? Or that maybe you should stay with your husband?"

Bellatrix gasped loudly, apparently very offended. "Have _you_ ever considered holding your tongue?!"

"I kind of think she's on to something, actually," said Rodolphus, sounding a bit angry now, "I mean, have you ever considered _my_ feelings?"

"Oh, cry me a river, build a bridge, and jump off of it!"

"I'm sensing some anger here," said Ivana, "That's good, though. It means you're both getting in touch with your emotions. Why don't we try an exercise to unleash your anger in a healthy way? See, I have these sticks with foam covering. You can hit each other with them all you want and it won't hurt."

"Oh, that's all right," said Bellatrix, wand in hand, "I already have one without the foam!" And she jabbed Rodolphus hard in his uninjured eye. "See? That's much more efficient."

"OK, that's it!!" yelled Rodolphus, drawing his wand as well, _"Stupefy_!"

Bellatrix dodged the spell just in time. It flew past her and hit a lamp, sending it crashing to the floor. She screamed in reply, "_Expelliarmus_!"

Rodolphus ducked. The spell flew over his head and knocked a painting off the wall.

They both screamed in unison, "_Crucio_!"

The spells collided in midair, causing a huge explosion. Ivana quickly hid under a table, which was promptly blasted away by a mean _Sectumsempra_. Within minutes the office was in ruins.

Suddenly, a ringing sound was heard, and all fighting ceased abruptly.

"Sounds like…our time…is up…," said Ivana, terrified and out of breath.

"Oh, is it already?" said Rodolphus, suddenly pleasant, "Seems like these sessions end quicker every time, doesn't it, honey?"

"I agree, dear," said Bellatrix in the same cheerful tone as her husband, "I do believe we've made good progress today, though."

"Absolutely, cupcake! Say, are you hungry? I sure am! Why don't we go eat at Stuckey's?"

"Oooh, I love Stuckey's!" she gestured toward the door. "After you, sweetie."

"No, I insist, gumdrop, after you."

"Why don't we go together?"

"Excellent. See you in two weeks, Dr. Vorce!"

"Yeah…Right…Two weeks…," said the doctor.

And with that, the two Death Eaters walked hand in hand out of the devastated office.


End file.
